“I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “we’re goin’ to sind th’ navy to th’ Passyfic.”

“I can’t tell,” said Mr. Dooley. ”… Th’ Cabinet is divided, th’ Sicrcty iv th’ Navy is divided, th’ Prisidint is divided an’ th’ press is divided. Wan great iditor, I’r’m his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th’ navy to report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great iditor livin’ in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril. Nawthin’ is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr’m his mighty task iv selectin’ fr’m a bunch iv phottygrafts th’ prettiest cook iv Klatbush. …

“But, annyhow, what difl’rence does it make whether th’ navy goes to th’ Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won’t be to make war. They’ve dumped all th’ fourteen inch shells into th’ sea. Th’ ammunition hoists ar-re filled with American beauty roses an’ orchids. Th’ guns arc loaded with confetty. Th’ officers dhrink nawthin’ sthronger thin vanilla an’ sthrawherry mixed. … F’r th’ Hague peace conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. VeVe seen th’ last war yc’ll iver see, me boy.

“Th’ Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up be th’ Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army again th’ Japs. It was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th’ Prime Minister had just been blown up with dinnymite, th’ Czar’s uncle had been shot, an’ wan iv his cousins was expirin’ fr’m a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparative peace. In th’ warrum summer’s afthernoon th’ Czar felt almost dhrousy as he set in his rile palace an’ listened to th’ low, monotonous drone iv bombs bein’ hurled at th’ Probojensky guards, an’ picked th’ broken glass out iv th’ dhrink that’d just been brought to him be an aged servitor who was prisidint iv th’ Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic Assassins. Th’ monarch’s mind turned to th’ subjick iv war an’ he says to himsilf: ‘What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein’ sint out to shoot each other f’r no cause whin they might betthcr stay at home an’ wurruk f’r their rile masthers,’ he says. T will disguise mesilf as a moojik an’ go over to th’ tillygraft office an’ summon a mectin’ iv th’ Powers,’ he says.

“That’s how it come about. All th’ Powers sint dillygates an’ a g-reat manny iv th’ weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an’ they have been devotin’ all their time since to makin’ war impossible in th future. Th’ meetin’ was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a resolution olTcred be a dillygate fr’m Paryguay callin’ f’r immeejit disarmamint, which is th’ same, Hinnissy, as notifyin’ th’ Powers to turn in their guns to th’ man at th’ dure. This was carrid be a very